Ever pour from an empty cup? It's not fun, huh? Twice now, in my adult life, I've lived my career with such passion that I've burned out. The first time, I was a college professor teaching literature and writing. It was my dream job. I'd killed myself to get through school in order to become a professor. Right out of graduate school, I achieved my dream - at just 23! I was obsessed. I gave the job everything I had in me and more... I burnt out.
When I say I burnt out from teaching, I mean I worked 80+ hours a week and would collapse into bed at night from sheer exhaustion. I didn't have a night, weekend, or holiday free for 32 weeks of the year (at least!). I invested so much time into my students to ensure their success. I pushed them. I challenged them. I held them responsible. I made them think about things they'd never thought about before. And, most importantly, I taught them that they had a voice.
Leaving teaching broke me.
I took a leap of faith and quit my job without another one lined up. I believe in trusting God to lead me where I need to go. He took hold of that trust and put me exactly where I needed to be.
I joined corporate America and embraced a whole new side of learning. I became an instructional designer. I created trainings for 165,000 people A MONTH! Those numbers are staggering to even think about. I managed a $2 million budget and began facilitating leadership courses. I loved it! I made the program grow and evolve. I made it my own. I left it better than I found it, and, in turn, it did the same to me.
The COVID-19 happened and everything in the world shut down.
My company had to make the difficult decision to furlough most of the department. We worked in food services and there was just no one to eat the food. Our business hurt. I never thought in a million years that I would get furloughed - but I did.
I've suffered from anxiety on and off for most of my life. Sometimes I am great. I'm a powerhouse. I'm a force to be reckoned with? Other times, I am fighting an internal battle that you cannot see just to look and act normal. It's exhausting. When I got put on furlough, my anxiety skyrocketed. I remember my three year old asking me to play play dough with her and having a full.blown.panic.attack. Shew. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed a change.
When they pulled me back from furlough, I'd already made the decision to move to another corporate company. It was time for a change, after all. This company was fast paced. It was filled with high achievers like myself. Everything was a fire drill. Let me tell you, my mental health did not appreciate that atmosphere. It didn't matter that I normally worked at that pace or juggled 10 trainings at once at my last job. Things were different. I was different.
If you suffer some anxiety or depression - I implore you - get help. I got put on medicine; I started seeing a counselor, then a different counselor. It wasn't working. I was having constant panic attacks. It was affecting my family, my marriage, and my sanity.
In January 2021, I picked up a paintbrush for the first time. For those few hours that I painted, everything in my life grew quiet - it grew calm. I remember my husband seeing my artwork for the first time and say "Wow! Holy cow. You're like... good. I didn't realize you would have talent." He meant that as a compliment - promise. Art became my escape. It transformed my life. I poured my chaos into the paint and onto the canvas. That chaos because something beautiful and peaceful. It was everything I was working for in my life. I'd been pouring from an empty cup for so long and suddenly I'd found something that filled my cup.
There's an art in starting over. For giving in. For allowing a higher power to take control of your life. There's a freedom in doing something you LOVE rather than something you think you ought to do. My hope for you is that you find that thing that fills your cup, that if transforms your life. You will never run out of opportunities to start over. Everything you've gone through has gotten you to this point and its all leading you towards something amazing.
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